She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
