half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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