its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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