It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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