The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
