i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
