It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
