you turned your livingroom into a bong?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
