Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
