she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
