I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Every concussion has its silver lining
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
