Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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