Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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