I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
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