Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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