It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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