I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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