And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
