well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
