Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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