masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
