I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
