Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
