so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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