Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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