I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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