Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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