Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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