a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
