u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
