Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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