i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
