And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
