Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
