Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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