Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
