Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
