Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Randomize
