If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
