I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
