just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize