paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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