I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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