So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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