So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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