good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
