I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
