Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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