I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
