If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
