i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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