According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
