1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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