I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
