If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
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