My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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