I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
