Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
