I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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