I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
