I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My bed smells like the plague
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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