Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
