she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
