Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
