We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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