I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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