you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
